Suddenly it hit me. It’s that feeling of wanting more, the thrill of being able to win. I must feed it or it drains my mood. It’s like the stomach snakes I was told about that feed on the inner lining, they are insatiable. I’ve been told how to overcome it but it’s easier said than done. Do nothing is the answer, get used to doing nothing, get used to nothing going on.
I can’t, I’ll busy myself with something, anything. Anything that feels like progress or gives me that opportunity to win, to think, to imagine. My mind is racing all the time, it doesn’t break so I find it hard to even sleep, I can stop for water breaks in the form of naps but this race is the marathon that never ends.
Cold turkey, the thought scares me. The thought of stopping. Will I get left behind? Will I regret it? Or ever be able to catch up? The truth is I don’t know and I don’t want to find out. I’ll rather run this race until my legs fall off at least then I can say I gave it my all. It’d be easier to tell myself that than to rest and lose.
What’s losing? It’s that dark cloud that drops when I’m doing nothing. When my mind isn’t occupied so it becomes a vessel for useless thoughts, regretful thoughts. Thoughts that create a knot in my stomach, thoughts of what could’ve been or could be happening elsewhere. These thoughts do not fit my personality or do they? Is it a part of me I’m trying to suppress or an alien takeover of my mind and emotions? The solution is to hurry and fill the space with meaningful things or at least I think it is. Sit with your emotions they say, well that has never sat right with me, I can’t sit with something I don’t trust.
I chose to win, feed me more dopamine. It’s a performance-enhancing drug for this race and will help me finish this ultra marathon. Where I’ll place we will find out later but for now, I’ve gotta keep running.